Mix One
by KissingChaos
Summary: Twelve drabbles inspired by the O.C. soundtrack.


Disclaimer: All characters are property of Josh Schwartz and Fox. Josh and I aren't exactly on speaking terms right now, the sadistic bastard.

A/N: Twelve 100-word drabbles originally written for The OC 100 challenge on LiveJournal. Each piece inspired by lyrics from _Mix 1: Music from the O.C_.

* * *

"Paint The Silence," South   
_How can you say your life is empty  
So late in the day_

I swear to God, the minute he steps off that boat, I am going to kill him. He's going to think rage blackout. Ass. How could he leave without me? This was supposed to be our summer together. I had a ton of things planned. At the very least, I should be on that stupid boat with him. But apparently, without Ryan, nothing's good enough here in Newport. Not even me. Funny how things change in a year. Cohen says that without Ryan, he never would have gotten me. The truth is, without Ryan, I never would have gotten Seth.

-----

"Just A Ride," Jem   
_Don't be scared, now dry your eyes  
It may feel so real inside  
But don't forget enjoy the ride_

When Sandy brought him home, I joked about locking all my jewelry and silver in the vault, but the truth is I was scared. Not that he would steal anything, but that he'd be this amazing kid, and we'd all get attached to him, and then just like that, he'd be gone. Lost in the system, and I would always wonder about him, worry about him. Like my first child, my almost baby. And I couldn't bear that. Every child, every new boy I meet makes me wonder and ache for what never was. I hate it when I'm right.

-----

"Honey And The Moon," Joseph Arthur   
_Don't know why I'm still afraid  
If you weren't real then I would make you up_

When I was five, I had an imaginary friend named Malcolm. He had blonde hair and was a really good artist, and we would finger paint on the backs of old blueprints my mom gave me. He was a better artist than me, but he couldn't write his name. He moved away when I was six. When you walked in the house that first morning, and I asked if you wanted to play Playstation with me, I thought maybe he had grown up and moved back to Newport. You and I never fingerpainted, but you're real, and that's better, anyway.

-----

"The Way We Get By," Spoon   
_We put faith in our concerns  
Fall in love to down on the street  
We believe in the sum of ourselves_

Kirsten suggested I started writing in this journal now, and just jot down thoughts about pregnancy and impending motherhood. I didn't really know how to do that, so I thought I would just write to you, and when you get older I'll show it to you and maybe it'll help you understand why things are the way they are. And my thoughts are a jumble right now, and I'm exhausted from moving, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you with all my heart, my baby, and I will never stop doing my very best for you.

-----

"Move On," Jet   
_Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on  
Before we meet again  
Yeah, it's hard  
If you had've only seen_

Ryan's handwriting was messy, but he didn't have time to rewrite it. "Seth, man, I can't make you understand why I'm doing this, but I would hope after all this time, you would. You can't know what it's like not to have a dad, but I do, and I can't let this baby grow up like that. It's not fair, not when I can take care of it and Teresa. It's why I always had your back, and why I never gave up on Marissa, even after Oliver. It's who I am, and who I want to be. Please, understand."

-----

"How Good It Can Be," The 88   
_And I've been holding out for love ever since I had a heart_

I don't believe in love. Jimmy didn't love me, but he loved the idea of being a father, and I came along with that package. I never once believed he loved me, but it was a way out of Riverside. At first, I couldn't stop treating Marissa like a ticket, used and punched and discarded, and then when she grew into this gorgeous creature, she became an extension of me, an obsession with what should have been my life before. I do love her, and Kaitlyn, but I don't know how, and I don't know if I could ever learn.

-----

"Caught By The River," Doves   
_And you give it all away   
Would you give it all away now?_

Hey Ryan, it's Sandy. I just wanted to call and say hi. We haven't heard from you in a while, and we were wondering how you were doing, and Teresa and the baby. Kirsten has gone baby crazy, wait until you see all the stuff she bought. It's ridiculous. Did you know they had designer burp cloths? It never ceases to amaze me. Kirsten says you guys need to come visit soon. I think she just wants to see Teresa, honestly, so they can do womanly baby-related things. So, anyway, I gotta go, but call when you get this message.

-----

"Rain City," Turin Brakes   
_Help me now or hold me down  
I feel the world is tumbling  
Spiralling down_

Vodka tastes like shit, but it's the only thing I could find at the moment, and I just want to drink and drink until I slip away again, because the last time when I woke up you were there and you loved me, and I think maybe this time it'll be the same. But I know it won't, and I know this time when (if?) I wake up, all I'll have is a killer headache and a room full of boxes I don't want to unpack because somewhere there's a picture of us and I can't handle it. Cheers, Ryan.

-----

"We Used To Be Friends," The Dandy Warhols   
_A long time ago, we used to be friends  
But I haven't thought of you lately at all_

Hey Seth. To say I was surprised to see an email from Summer is an understatement. She filled me in on recent Newport (90210) events, and no one here would believe me if I told them. I know you won't get this till you get back, but I needed to write it, cuz if I wait I won't say what I wanted to. Do you remember nothing from our chance encounter at Cotillion? Confidence, Cohen. Captain Oats can't carry your sorry ass forever. Yeah, it sucks, and the circumstances are dire, but you're more than Ryan's sidekick. You're a superhero.

-----

"Dice," Finley Quaye & William Orbit feat. Beth Orton   
_Nothing can compare  
to when you roll the dice and swear that your love's for me_

Of course I want you to stay with me. I have always wanted you to stay with me. Even when I helped you run away, I hid you close to home, because even then the thought of losing you was too much. I fought like hell to keep you here, but now there's nothing tangible to fight. An embryo. A messiah complex. Formidable foes, no doubt, but I lose each time. Now, it's unbearable, and the only thing I can do is leave for a while, so I can breathe again. This time, I wanted you to stay for me.

-----

"Orange Sky," Alexi Murdoch   
_When I am alone   
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone   
When I've lost all care for the things I own   
That's when I miss you_

Some nights, when I can hear Teresa snoring so I know she's sound asleep, I sneak out of bed and into the living room where I keep the photo album Kirsten gave me. There's a picture in there of you and me at Chrismukkah, and your smile is huge and goofy, and my heart breaks just thinking about it. Missing you. So I write you these notes I'll never send, and tell you I love you and I miss you and I wish you were here so I could be home, and then I shred them and throw them away.

-----

"California," Phantom Planet   
_California here we come  
Right back where we started from_

The emotional resonance of this situation doesn't elude me. It all feels so familiar, like someone rewound to the previous scene. Like someone stole a year of my life from me. Things are back to the beginning and I don't know where to go from here, even knowing what I know now. Do I make the same decisions, take the same paths? Will that lead me back here? Do the same actions always yield the same results? Could I take back some things, leave things out, get rid of some of the hurt, and still end up in this moment?__


End file.
